WARNING: This post is uber long! It has content concerning both my sexuality and my kink and some soap box ranting. If you read all the way through it, you are my hero!
I was thinking the other day… I wrote in a previous post how my sexual “awakening” was when I was 19 and I met my first butch. I think I might have lied a little though. I started masturbating pretty early and I think I was preteen when I first remember experiencing arousal from reading about spankings, whippings or forced sex. (I was an avid reader and I had access to a lot of books) So while I knew the “whats” and “hows” of arousal and self gratification, what remained to be discovered was the “who” of my sexuality which is what I discovered at the tender age of 19.
So after the who walked into my life, liking sex like I do, I took a head first plunge into learning all I could about the butch/femme culture as well as the larger queer culture. In a way I ”grew up” in the queer culture, sexually and otherwise. Being queer has its downs for sure and most people have heard of them through media if not personal experience. Discrimination, judgment, being misunderstood and as a result mistreated, etc etc. But it also has its advantages. For example, you get to learn very quickly how ridiculous it is to assume anything or be judgmental. (That is not to say you stop doing either unfortunately!) You also learn to really appreciate diversity. Not to mention that by mere osmosis, you learn to embrace your sexuality and be very open about it if you weren’t so before. It’s my personal theory that queer community is more open with all sexuality related matters and that to us sex is a lot less taboo a topic. This is only based on my experience but I mean let’s face it we have a social category all to ourselves based on who we fuck!
Another thing that you learn about in the queer culture is labels, their importance, short comings and power to damage or elevate. You learn enough labels, as a matter of fact, to last you a lifetime and more. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of labels! One must have words to describe things and people after all. But the issue with labels is that they are, each and every one, either too exclusive or too vague.
When I first came out, I didn’t really know of all the choices. Technically I had never real been into boys but I had not been gaga over girls either. I was attracted to these masculine women who often referred to themselves with male pronouns. So was I a lesbian? Technically speaking I was a woman dating other women (as judged by sex organs) so lesbian would be apt. I kind of liked the term dyke because it is a term the community has reclaimed so that it is empowering instead of being demeaning. I finally settled for queer and femme. Queer is so vague that it is a kind of all-inclusive term which is what I like about it. Femme, in an imperfect way describes my preference in partners as femmes are often (but not always) partnered with butches. It also hints at my preferred style which is more feminine as opposed to androgynous or masculine.
In my first years in the queer community though, I realized that while we faced discrimination from the general community, we also did a pretty good job of discriminating against each other. For example, because I’ve always preferred the feminine look, when I first entered the queer circles, I was more often than not “read” as bisexual. I learned pretty fast that bisexual girls were on the bottom rung of queer ladder. Bi-girls were seen (wrongfully in most cases) as traitors in a way. They “played” with girls but enjoyed the privileges of the straight life and “would marry a man anyhow!”. The “true” lesbians made it clear how enraged they were at these “fence sitters”.
It’s, of course, a childish concept. Being bisexual is as valid a sexual orientation as any other. *I* for one believe in fluid sexuality that occurs on a gradient so really only a small percentage of people of the world are purely homo or heterosexual. I feel most other people fall somewhere on the gradient and based on social pressures and personal circumstances find themselves in their particular sexual relationships. So yes, I do believe someone can be 90% straight and 10% gay or vice versa. I’ve seen friends and acquaintances who always identified as gay/straight be surprised when they found themselves attracted to someone of the opposite/same sex. I’ve also seen people in these situations be shunned by friends in the community because they have somehow committed a sin by finding sexual interest somewhere others found unexpected. This does NOT mean in ANY way that a gay person can be retrained to be straight! All I have to say is, one day we will all grow up and not be so obsessed by who a person sleeps with.
Anyway, writing this bit just reminded me of the concept of “enough” as in you are not butch/femme/gay/straight/anything enough. Another ridiculous thing. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard a statement like: If you don’t wear makeup and 5 inch heels every waking moment, you are not femme enough. If you don’t wear all male clothing, have a labor intensive job and drive a truck or something, you aren’t butch enough. I can assure you, it gets old very very quickly.
Short and long of it was and is… how could we do this to ourselves when a nice group of people out there were/are already bent on making life unpleasant for us and had/have us tickets booked to depths of hell?
I started to see at some point that people somehow have a “need” to be better than other people. In fact, I will be honest, I saw that *I* too on some level needed to be better than other people. It was like some odd instinctual desire to differentiate and by doing so pretend at superiority. Sounds petty and silly but I’ve seen the same thing everywhere else in life too.
Another “minority” that is on one hand very close knit and on other hand, can be, very judgmental is the kink community. Having “grown up” in the queer community, I was never made to feel uncomfortable about any of my kinks. The mantra being, play how you want to your heart’s content but only if everyone consents and everyone is safe. I won’t pretend everyone actually followed this idea and at some point I knew plenty of people from the light spankos with bunny fur paddles to those who sported black and orange hankies in their respective back pockets. There were tons of labels here too and with those, always comes trouble. Life stylers or those who did the D/s thing 24/7 claimed supremacy over lowly creatures who got beaten to ribbons only occasionally. Those with no safe word booed the ones who had it for not being true submissives. Those with safe words, proclaimed the other group unsafe and reckless. Those who did hardcore S/M looked with disdain upon the ones with bunny fur paddles and vice versa. GAH!
From my observation, this elitist thing is even worse in minority groups. Maybe since we are looked upon as “other” (or in worst case scenario as freaks), we take the whole pride in our “lifestyle” thing a tad further. What I mean is, there is a defiant pride in being queer or kinky. So those people who are more openly queer or a more hard core shade of kinky sometimes couple their pride with disdain with those who are more discrete or vanilla.
The result, of course, is the same. By doing this and tolerating it we are willing to divide our little community into smaller pieces.
I love who I am and my sexuality. I love being a queer femme. I don’t care if I don’t “look” gay. It is not a necessity in my life and it does not make me any less queer! I also do not care if anyone thinks I am somehow a cheat because my partner is a trans man and I am as such in a heterosexual relationship. I am happy my nature is fluid enough that a little thing like gender didn’t prevent me from continuing to love this wonderful human being. (Darn even that sounds judgmental, it isn’t right for everyone, but it was the right choice for me to stay with Luke through his transition).
I lied again. I do care some or I wouldn’t be fired up about it. It sucks to be judged! Specially by those who don’t know you!
I also love my kinky side. I am a masochist and a submissive (I do switch occasionally). *I* believe that I was so before I ever knelt before my very first top. Everything since then has been practice and fine tuning. Many in the community believe otherwise of course but on this topic I am an advocate of nature more than nurture.
Luke is a magnificent top and I love bottoming to him. There is not a day that I don’t think of him as my Daddy and bdsm is a huge part of both our life and our sex life. Our bdsm relationship is consent based and it’s not a fulltime “life styling” situation so we do a scene when we both feel like it and I have a safe word. However, we also do domestic discipline sessions once a week within which I don’t have a safe word so I give over complete control when I enter the session. Yes, I still have the option to back out of it because, well I have not given up choice in general and Luke or anyone else would be hard pressed to “make me” do anything I didn’t want to do but I don’t back out because I have made a commitment to Luke and to myself. I appreciate and love that aspect of our relationship and as hard as it might be for me to stand a scene or be punished like a little girl for my misbehavior… I love it and crave it and need it for myself and for the sake of our relationship and connection (I know, I know! I already wrote about this).
In *my* opinion I don’t do submission-lite because I don’t do it 24/7. Like sexuality, kink comes in shade and just like a 90% straight girl who is experiencing her 10% lesbian side, the sex is not less lesbionic because 9 out of 10 times she’s sucking cock rather than eating pussy. When I submit, I am submitting completely. It’s not right for us as a couple to do anything but what we are doing. I would under no circumstances be able to live a life if someone else had the last word on my life choices. That’s just not what I need or crave. If anything, when it comes to life, I am more dominant than most people. I have an A type personality and I am a natural leader. Compared to Luke’s relaxed style of life (read no organization or planning skills), I *am* the dominant, decisive and choice making force in our life in general. And let’s face it, a 24/7 slave, after all, has made a choice to be a slave to this particular master or mistress. He or she, as an adult human being, also retains the right to exit the relationship whenever. So choice is present in all scenarios… some scenes just run longer than others… like a lifetime. Being a slave is a much more difficult with a much larger commitment and I admire people who know what they want and go and get it. So if what one bottom seeks is to give up all control, I think it’s amazing for him or her to find the strength to do so. *I* do not want that and I really dislike people who will discount my and anyone else’s submission and service as inferior because they feel like they can judge me by what’s right for them.
And let me tell you about safe words! In the entirety of my submission to Luke, almost 7 years, I’ve used my safe word once and that one time, it was by his instruction. He was testing my pain limits and told me that he would not stop until I would use my safe word and that I only were to use it when I absolutely could not take any more. He has since pushed me beyond that point several times and expanded my tolerance. People assume that if you have a way out, well by gods you’d use it as soon as the going got tough. I am sure some do this just because some people find the idea of pain exciting enough. Also some people have a much lower pain tolerance than others, masochist or not. I, myself, really admire people who play a rougher grade of S/M than I have tolerance for. They are like superstars to me. I want to be them. That still doesn’t make my masochism any less valid. Being pushed to one’s pain limit is the same amazing experience for every masochist be it a bunny fur spanking or branding with your top’s insignia.
Finally, and my personal favorite, is the whole Daddy/girl incest, pedophilia discussion. Seriously people? We are kinky. We, bottoms and masochists like being tied up, beaten, kidnapped, humiliated in public, peed on, passed around, called names, objectified and god knows what else. (Yes not all of us want to do all of that) BUT, I will not judge you for being turned on by pony play even if it doesn’t do anything for me. I will not sit and say it is cruelty to animals or bestiality! I am an adult consenting woman. He is less related to me than my great dane. Neither of us have ever found a child attractive. Both of us vote for castration of any adult who chooses to force him/herself on a child. Seriously!
My my, I’ve been on this soap box for a very very long time. I’ll say this and be done… I said earlier that *I* had the need sometimes to separate myself and feel superior by doing so. I am almost 30 and I am not going to claim I have grown past it but I sincerely am working on it. The simple fact is that if we forever separate ourselves from others, on any and all levels, we end up in a divided and hostile world.
So, can’t we all just get along? (lol, I just had to)
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