I confessed my current desparate yearning last night to Heidi. She agreed to do everything possible to make it happen for me. I am aching… totally, crazed for this perfect, exquesite pain. I am circling and circling in my mind, wondering if anything has already begun. This game is to run from last night to Sunday night… at least. Come Sunday night, and with fresh agony in my heart and mind, I must soul search.
I have got to learn to make decisions I can handle the fallout from. In that interest, I have decided to request nothing, plan nothing that reaches longer than a week ahead. A week, I feel I can predict and maintain my stamina. These fantasies, these dark, dark needs… for debilitating humiliation, internal anguish, and a pathetic, forsaken, aching cunt… they are all I can think about. All I can dream of. I can’t live without it… haven’t been able to in so long.
When exactly did I become so lost? When did my soul die, precisely? Which time that he cheated on me was it that my mind snapped and I descended into this magnificent, murky abyss? Which time that he carelessly said he wouldn’t do it again; that he was sorry; that he was irresponsible… then with the manipulative, hypnotizing charm… touching me, making me touch myself, watching me from across the room as I used a vibrator on myself and the tears streamed down my face… and I came screaming in passion and anger and fear and hurt, nearly falling off of the living room couch….
Which time that we acted out this drama while my girlfriend slept late in the morning? My girlfriend who he had fucked behind my back the night before? My girlfriend who he fucked so quietly and stealthily while I slumbered next to them? Sure, he had other affairs. He cheated on me in other ways.
But this ritual of the cuckqueaned wife which he used to twist and deconstruct me from a relatively normal human into this pathetic pile of person-flesh that writes this blog… It was the meanest, most terrible thing he has ever done to me. And I am GRATEFUL!!!
I am sitting here with a dripping cunt, a tad short of breath at the mere memories of how I got here, and who I am, and what I am. The truth is that now I am more sexually charged & satisfied, more emotionally invested, more honest, more open- than I ever was before these shaping experiences.
So bring on the game, bring on the shocking pain, the twisting knife in my heart, the public and private humiliation, flowing tears and the endless orgasms. I welcome it all.
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