Musings on shame

I’ve been interested in BDSM as long as I can remember. I also have done my share of soul-searching on why it is that I’m turned on by restrains, power play etc. but have never come to any plausible explanation. Sure, I did not have enough boundaries as a child and I was suffering from a lack of parental authority and care, but in my mind these things are not linked to what I do in bed. Moreover, today I think that these questions, put ahead like this, are not only completely irrelevant but also judgemental and deeply harmful. I do not need to offer an explanation on why I’m into BDSM more than I have to explain why I like books over movies, dogs over cats or summer over winter.

However, I do need to cope with feelings of shame of being a submissive party in a setting that involves power, dominance and pain. This, I figure, has all to do with perceived gender roles and their inbuilt hierarchy.

Many unfamiliar to BDSM react to submission as they would to wife beating. I’ve heard good friends of mine, some of them queer, suspect that I’m stepping into conventional gender roles by putting up a submissive part, or that I must be somehow violated in my personality to enjoy being a bottom. I am constantly surprised and taken aback to hear these statements. Is their so-called queer understanding about sex illicit of power, subversion, imagination, trust, play? Do they not see the intimacy and huge spectre of emotions that can be approached with BDSM?

Be it as it may, these statements encourage inbuilt shame about myself. I know fully well that being a submissive is at least as active a role as top. But our gendered stereotypes of woman-action and man-action keep telling me that I’m less worthy because I put up a submissive role traditionally reserved for women. Active is masculine, passive is feminine, and although I feel no way passive in my sub role, I am constantly aware that it looks like it from the outset, and it bothers my sense of self while playing.

I suppose shame can be beaten by getting to know myself better sexually, by playing more, by realising my inner strength that is visible in other areas of my life and that forms the core of my submission, and maybe by replacing few friends with a little more understanding bunch of people.

And, of course, directing feelings of shame to my use and finding their potential in play.

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