The internet has a zillion and four different ‘resources’ for those looking to explore BDSM. But it seems everytime I go looking for information, inspiration, or illumination I seem to run into the same conumdrum over and over:
Of those zillion and four resources, a good 90% of those resources have to do with submission.
Bare in mind that 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Meaning that obviously this is just my subjective view. But it does seem that there are very few resources, or at least few of them that are easily accessible, that are geared toward Dominance and even fewer that are geared toward switching.
Be the change you want to see and all.
I am a self identified switch. I live 24/7 with my male Dominant partner and primary SO. I am the owner of male submissive in a power exchange relationship. We are all some variation of poly and kinky. I am also bisexual. I top any number of folks regardless of gender. I bottom to others based on interpersonal dynamics, again without gender being a factor. I give workshops and lectures on switching.. so in as much as there is such a thing as ‘qualifications’ when it comes to writing about BDSM topics, I can speak to switching pretty readily.
Below is the basic outline in Q&A style of my Switching Roundtable Workshop. It’s by no means comprehensive, but a decent jumping off point for issues some switches may encounter:
- What is a switch/ your definition of a switch? At its most basic level, a switch is simply someone who enjoys both topping and bottoming, both giving and receiving sensation and/or both weilding control or being controlled within a consentual and negotiated scene and/or power exchange. The roles may or may not be static within each partnership, scene, relationship, etc.
- Do you think you have to bottom 50% of the time and top 50% of the time to beconsidered a ‘true’ switch? Absolutely not. I know people who switch mid scene and back again, people who are Dominant 99% of the time and only bottom once in a blue moon or vice versa, and people who bottom only for certain activities and top only for others. It’s all very fluid and each one is just as much of a switch as the other. Self identifying as a switch is a personal choice and should be taken at face value when the label is applied.
- Is there such a thing as a ‘true’ switch? In my esitmation there is no such thing as a ‘true’ (meaning all encompassing or ‘total’ or ‘natural’ or other terms which get thrown about with irritating regularity) anything in this lifestyle. Its all fluid, organic and ever evolving on every level. If a person likes being on top sometimes and on bottom others, then the role of switch seems applicable.
- Do you feel a sense of ownership with the word ’switch’ itself (like some Masters, slaves, etc.. seem to do). This is my favorite question on this list. You see alot of arguments & debates over what constitutes a submisisive vs slave vs bottom, or a top vs a Dominant vs a Master.. but you never really see the same level of ownership or ‘fight to protect the word’ mentality over the term switch. Maybe its because as switches we engage in both of the aforementioned debates? Or because the headspace is specific to each interaction? I’m not sure. But, no.. I personally dont have a stake in the ‘ownership’ of the word switch. But then again I dont beleive in telling anyone esle how they should view anything in this lifestyle. I know what it means to me (see above definition) and I am happy to share that,but I am also happy to have that information integrated as each person sees fit as best for them. And here is where the inflammatory part comes in: I do, by and large find that alot of switches share this view and I do think its because of our switchy nature that we are sometimes more inclined towards not having hard and fast rules in alot of areas that other BDSM self identity lables have.
- What is your opinion of those who only apply the label of ’switch’ to themselves soley to ‘fit in’ with a particular group or to catch the eye of a particular partner? This was a new issue that cropped up this year. Seems there was a growing contingent of folks who would purposely call themselves switches not because of their preferred manner of play or power exchange, but rather to not limit partners. As in ‘ooh I like Bobby and he’s Dominant so I wont let him know I really like to beat up boys, so I’ll just call myself a switch and be vague about it and he’ll never know and maybe he will hook up with me’. Like I said, I dont really feel entitled to determine who can and cannot call themselves a switch, but I am never a fan of behavior that is unfair, untrue, manipulative or herd like. So if your motivation for labeling yourself as a switch is simply to ‘fit in’ with a person or person and deny your own self and desires.. well that’s never a formula for successful self exploration and it will always come back to haunt you in some way.
- Do you have different aspects of yourself manifest depending on what you are doing in a particular scene? (different names, styles of dress, mannerisms, etc…) This one is highly personal and invidual and changes from person to person. So I’ll speak for myself. I feel much more toppy in leather pants than i do in frilly skirts. I know its a product of gender roles in my upbringing, but its there. I enjoy playing with it and pushing those imprints, but they do exist for me. In scene I call my Dominant ‘Sir’, at home its ’sweetie’ or his given name. My submissive refers to me as ‘My Lady’, my Dominant calls me ‘mia’ or ‘mine’. I try to say please and thank you no matter what the occassion, but the tone is slightly more montone or matter of fact when addressing my pet. I get the door for my Dominant and expect my sub to do the same for me (which can be quite amsuing when we are all three out together). In short, yes.. different mannerisms and speech do change depending on the interaction. And this is where switches really shine: no matter what the role and how it manifests, each bit is 100% ME.
- If you have a committed partner,do you have problems watching them switch roles (if applicable)? Do they have issues seeing you in different headspaces? Why or why not? My Dominant was a switch when we got together. Since then, he now identifies solely as Dominant. I have always told him should he feel the need to bottom he certainly can do so without needed input from me (which is kinda what Dominant means!) but that I cant witness it. I am happy for him to engage in whatever he needs, but it would wreck my view of him as Dominant for me to have that visual in my head. I personally need my view of him to remain as all Dom all the time. I have no idea why that is but I know that it IS how it is for me. Many MANY people are not like me. And this view of mine is only applicable to him. I see many folks switch all the time and never blink twice when they interact with me in either capacity. Now, my submissive is not at all like me. He has seen, sees me, bottom all the time and it in no way affects his view of me as his owner. Again, its a highly individual thing and each is as valid as the next.
- Do you find you are treated differently than others in the community who define themselves as top OR bottom? As if since you havent chosen ‘one’ you are disregarded partially or completely? If yes, whydo you think that is? I find that alot of folks in the scene just have no idea how to interact with switches. They seem to have very clearly delineated views on how to treat tops or bottoms, but they get twitchy when dealing with switches. Its easy to call Lord So and So ‘Sir’ at a munch, or to ask ’slave mary’ to get you a coffee.. but then someone like me walks up and its all fumbling over honorifics and the like. For a community that loves to cry out words like ‘etiquette’ and ‘protocol’ so many seem to forget the very basics. People are just that: people. And deserve to be treated as such. Until a negotiated power exchange is communicated in some way, just be polite and respectful. The rest flows from there. Of course there will always be those who dont believe switches ‘really exist’ and therefore generally behave less than politely as a result. But I generally have no desire to interact with someone who chooses to be so disrespectful and intolerant anyway, so its of little bother to simply ignore them.
- Do you find that the ‘community’ tends to place gender identification markers to tops & bottoms (ex:submissive = female) and how does it view those who do not fit into these models(male subs are less of a man? for example) Gender affects most every aspect of our society, BDSM is no different. I do think in some BDSM circles it is slightly more forward thinking, but not all. Its still pretty common to hear a femme top referred to as ‘butchy’ or ‘dyke-ish’ (terms I wear with all kinds of pride BTW, but this is meant to be taken in a derogatory way) or to hear a male bottom referred to as ’sissyish’ or ‘effeminate’. Any kind of ‘put down’ based on nothing more than gender is sure to irritate me. So as much as I wish our ‘community’ simply accepted people based on their non physical attributes, it isnt always that way. What can be done about it? Again, be the change you wish to see.. Start with yourself and do not attribute lables to people based on what is or isnt between their legs. I have a male Dominant AND a male submissive. Outside of those dynamics I play primarily (although not exclusively) with girls. I care about the connection between people based on personality and energy. The only time gender enters into it is when I need to know whether to break out the condoms or the dental dams.
- What is your response to the following statements:
- There is no such thing as a switch – I stand before you, ergo, yes Virginia there is such a thing as a switch.
- You just havent made up your mind yet – yes i have and my decision is that i have no desire to limit myself in any capacity
- You just havent had the right Dom yet - I have and he is wonderful enough to see the benefit to us both in my exploring everything i can
- What is your favorite part about being a switch? The fact that I can be whatever I choose to be moment to moment. Some days I want to order people around, others I want to be catered to. Some days I feel like beating someone black and blue, others I need to hit subspace myself. I like that I can be fluid and open to whatever the universe sends my way.
- What is your least favorite part about being a switch? Changing up headspaces can be challenging, especially in a short timeframe. It can and is done, and often gracefully so. But as with anything of value, there are times when it is a struggle.
~kim
Kink In Motion
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